it's almost thanksgiving

and i need to remind myself that i have so much to be thankful for..
but with that said: just because someone particular problems arent life changing or aalways the hugest thing doesnt give them any less significance.. everyone has their hard times and struggles and they shouldnt be trivialized...
my mother keeps pestering me about being depressed all the time.
it's not that i'm depressed... things are just really hard for me right now. in every way possible it seems like.. theres some type of obstacle for every single thing i need to do. i know its hard to be happy when you aren't thinking positively, but i really don't feel like i have much to be positive about. and i feel like no one cares about what i go through or WANTS to...
i go to CSUN, which i LOVE... but the tuition is only going up. so i continue to take more and more money out in loans to pay for tuition.. God knows when i'll be able to pay those back.
I have a ridiculous amount of work, which is to expected when you are in college and i'm not complaining about the workload, but that I have little or no means to complete what is being asked of me because I am too worried about how I'm gonna make it, money-wise, till next week.
it's not like i'm completely broke or something like that, but i work a minimum wage job.. we'll get back to that.
GETTING to CSUN is a mission in itself without a car.
not having a car has been my biggest dilemma of 2009. It wouldn't be so bad not having one if there was a reasonable way to get to all the places i need to be, but there isn't. the buses in Santa Clarita SUCK, my friends can't drive me, and my mom is at work so she can't take me anywhere. AND THEN, even when someone is free they don't want to help me so anything. I feel like when I had a car, I was always there for everyone. If they needed a ride somewhere and I was genuinely not doing anything, why not? It doesn't seem like I have that same courtesy from anyone.
Back to my job. First off, i got fired from STARBUCKS for some bullshit reason. We got a new manager and she just simply didn'tl ike me and tried to get me fired. Now, I am the last person to ever claim I was being discriminated against, but I truly was. So no more STARBUCKS... a month goes by, and i'm worried, but not freakin out too much and then i get a job at G Stage.
Working at G stage is ridiculous. It's retail first off, so you KNOW its whack. I'm on my feet for hours and hours at a time and i'm not allowed to talk to any of the employees even when there is no one in the store. I think this wealthy Korean family owns the company and they are SO cheap. For example, they bought paper towels for the bathroom and told us that we are only allowed to use one per bathroom visit. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! ugh!! it's stupid minimum wage, which is a problem in itself. You cant survive living on your own on minimum wage. I'm lucky that I live at home and I have small bills to worry about because there is no way I would make it if I was LIVING off minimum wage. So trying to save for a car is damn near impossible seeing as how I make almost zero money.. not only do I not make that much, I don't get very many hours since there are so many girls who work there anyway. my mom always asked me why its so important for me to have money if i dont have to pay anything, but who wants to be broke all the time?
The whole car thing is the biggest thing because even though i live less than 2 miles from my job i have to leave my house 2 hours before so i can take the bus and not be on time. it doesnt seem like thatmuch time, but that combined with getting ready, itss like.. as soon as i wake up, its time to get ready and leve for work even if i dont know until the afternoon. This cuts the time that i would be using to do leftover homework or something of the sort.
I get so irritated listening to all these damn rap songs, that i love by the way, talking about all the money they made and how they have "money to blow" and shit. i wish i could sing a song like that... money is a huge issue and its a constant struggle and stress factor. There are so many other details of this, but i really don't care to talk about them. its just like.. how am i ever suppose to save money if i hardly make ANY?! exactly!
My workload for school is a lot as i mentioned before, but i'm trying to to trip too much over it because there isn't really much i can do about it. I love school, I really do. If I didn't need money, i would just take as many units as a could and put my all into school. That's how it should be, not with this governor though. I don't even know if I will be able to get all the classes I need for n ext spring semester with all the budget cuts. they're cutting EVEN MORE classes and more of teachers hours. Of all places, the money should not have been taken from the education budget. that is beyond stupid and ridiculous.
I guess when i sit back and think about things arent so bad, it just seems like there is no light at the end of the tunnel. i feel like im just stuck in life and im always gonna be here... going to school.. living at home.. struggling.. it sucks, it really does. i'm spending on this time and money ons chool but i cant even give it my all because i HAVE to work.
I am going to look into getting a new job with the DWP or with the county.. I hear jobs like tht pay well and if I can get night classes, I can work everyday all day during the week. I'd like to move out, but that doesnt look like its in the plans the way things are going.
In all of this craziness AND MORE that is my life, i'd absolutely LOVE someone to talk to about all of this. someone who could give me good adviec and maybe evenmake me smile a little bit about how much of a baby i'm being about the whole thing KNOWing its gonna be get better.


Steve.


but where is steve? nowhere to be found. I don't know what steve and i are. the whole relationship is a work in progress and definitely still experimental. he's all the way in new york doing God knows what with God knows who. I trust him, but I still don't know how much he does or doesnt tell me. like right now, when he's not calling me back and shit.. i just think of him out with some other girl.
I really like steve. i like him more than i've liked a lot of people and the majority of my ex's. he makes me laugh at the most inopportune times and always has something witty or clever to say. i really admire his intelligence and his outlook on life. I wish i could be as carefree as he is. maybe thats one of the reasons i like him so much? his personality balances my finicky one out.
he can say the sweetest things that keep me smiling all day long... but then other times.. he can be really hurtful. i still question how he feels about me.. i mean.. i know he likes me..but he can never say it and it isn't official...
i know what you must be thinking.. a long distance relationship? but when you feel that close and connected to someone there is no one else you'd rather be with. plus, its not like he'll be away forever... graduates this spring with his AA.. whats he gonna do after that? i don't know because he doesn't know either.. do you see what i mean about his carefree personality? its kinda like.. wherever the wind takes him.. i feel like i need to plan everything out all the time.. a major flaw if you ask me because... you cant plan everything. something just pop up.. sometimes you don't see them coming.. i wish he'd stay in California for a little so that we could explore this relationship. but he probably wants to be far away from here, and frankly i dont blame him because California is nothing to brag about. its outrageously expensive... i would definitely be down to move. i just need a reason to. to just up and leave all the things i am trying to establish with SPACE at school... and getting a car an stuff...
but then again.. once i get a car... i am so DOWN to just go. JUST go. wherever.. i can go to school anywhere...
but back to steve.. ? i feel like it has the potential to be something amazing... absolutely amazing...
he just gets me. he knows i whine.. that i can be a bitch.. but that i can be the most pleasant person ever! a pure delight... he brings out the best in me and that definitely someone that ANYONE would want to keep around. he's someone i can see myself taking care of ya know? haha i really miss him.
on top of everything i am not really feeling like there is anyone else who can handle me. lol you've read my blog, i'm not exactly the most simple person and i tend to complicate things. he always knows how to make me feel better and ive told him things i would never even think of telling other people. he never judges me and he seems to really care about the things i have to say. he's great, he's fantastic, he's amazing. he's that boyfriend who would just hold you when youve had a long day.... say something funny when you're on the verge of tears... do something small and seemingly insignificant just to make you smile...
i could go on and on and ON about him.. but i dont need to do that, i think ive made my point.


haven't talked to him in a couple days. hasn't called or texted me back all day.. something might be wrong with phone.. didn't pay the bill or something.. hes irresponsible like that. he hurts my feelings sometimes. i know he has feelings for me.. but... i wish he could tell me how he felt about me.. in some flowery, poetic language that i know he is capable of.. but.. i dont know. maybe he never will. i just want reassurance that he wants to be in it for the long-haul. i'm 20.. i'm done with the short-term relationships. i want something i can depend on... something steady and stable.. when everything else in my life is up in the air, i'd be nice to come home and think to myself.. well at least i have steve.
maybe the last few months with this long distance non-sense was all for nothing.. i just don't exactly know how to show him that it wasnt.
but you can't leave someone because they aren't perfect... then no one would ever be together...
but we aren't together.. ugh.
dont remind me.
there is nothing i'd love more than to be with him. id probably have the hugest smile for WEEKS just knowing that he was mine... i wonder if i'll ever have THAT particular happiness.
i don't know how to explain it to you... !! i feel like we're great for each other. i know we are :)

but where is he now? no idea. lol oh steve.

well now that i have lol basically introduced you to steve, i feel a little bit better. i'm currently irritated becuse i havent heard from him. its hard not to see him everyday as it is..so him not calling me makes me sad.

song of the day? never fails.
ice cream paint job- lil wayne... shit knocks real TALK. hahaha i mean.. its the usual stuff he raps about.. but he go hard... :)

i feel a lot better after typing out everything that was in my head at the moment. i'm sure there is a plethora of other things, but that is what i have for now. hopefully i start to think more positively..