you're the fackin best, you deserve a trophy <3

what to write about? the semester is almost over!!

this time next week i will be in my last final! then, the monday after that..

STEVE COMES HOME!!

ahhh!! so excited!!

my boyfriend is the best :)

<333333>

but besides that, everything is pretty chill right now. i'm a lot less stressed than i have been inthe previous weeks and its not because i'm learned to deal with stress better or even that i have less work, but i am seriously already checked out. hahaha mentally checked out that is. i'm so done with school.. i just wanna be done with it already. i'm sick of waking up early and being exhausted all the damn time. i need a fackin break. hahaha for real.

drake, you never cease to amaze me. lol so in love with that man! ahhh!! just watched the bedrock video. so hottt. nicki is alright...

she has so much hype right now, but i don't think she's all that. she's super done up... i wonder what she looks like with all that damn make-up.. but i'm not hatin, shes still looks good.. and shes gettin money so.. she's doin SOMETHIN right... :)

bout to have history class..that i did NOT do the homework for.. i figured i would just do it in the morning, but then i got to school an realized that i left my book at home. what a retard right? im also suppose to register today, so i have to go to advisement during my 12:30 break. i hate doing advisement and things like that.. i hate being in the offices at this school.. ESPECIALLY in sierra hall. that building is a fackin dungeon. haha it is!! no windows or anything! ridiculous ! everytime i have to go in there (which is everyday that i have class).. i just *sigh* to myself like.. it's been nice to see daylight today. hahahahahahahahahahaha

it doesn't make it any better than most classes held in sierra hall are quite boring. this is coming from a history MAJOR.. so... i know what boring is.. believe me.. hahaha i really do.

song of the day? bedrock-young money + lloyd... don't know how he snuck in there, but the hook is sexy so i'm not complaining. i've always really liked lloyd, but i didn't think his second album was as good as his first minus a few tracks.. players prayer..street love.. those :)

that's it for now, gotta run!!

it's almost thanksgiving

and i need to remind myself that i have so much to be thankful for..
but with that said: just because someone particular problems arent life changing or aalways the hugest thing doesnt give them any less significance.. everyone has their hard times and struggles and they shouldnt be trivialized...
my mother keeps pestering me about being depressed all the time.
it's not that i'm depressed... things are just really hard for me right now. in every way possible it seems like.. theres some type of obstacle for every single thing i need to do. i know its hard to be happy when you aren't thinking positively, but i really don't feel like i have much to be positive about. and i feel like no one cares about what i go through or WANTS to...
i go to CSUN, which i LOVE... but the tuition is only going up. so i continue to take more and more money out in loans to pay for tuition.. God knows when i'll be able to pay those back.
I have a ridiculous amount of work, which is to expected when you are in college and i'm not complaining about the workload, but that I have little or no means to complete what is being asked of me because I am too worried about how I'm gonna make it, money-wise, till next week.
it's not like i'm completely broke or something like that, but i work a minimum wage job.. we'll get back to that.
GETTING to CSUN is a mission in itself without a car.
not having a car has been my biggest dilemma of 2009. It wouldn't be so bad not having one if there was a reasonable way to get to all the places i need to be, but there isn't. the buses in Santa Clarita SUCK, my friends can't drive me, and my mom is at work so she can't take me anywhere. AND THEN, even when someone is free they don't want to help me so anything. I feel like when I had a car, I was always there for everyone. If they needed a ride somewhere and I was genuinely not doing anything, why not? It doesn't seem like I have that same courtesy from anyone.
Back to my job. First off, i got fired from STARBUCKS for some bullshit reason. We got a new manager and she just simply didn'tl ike me and tried to get me fired. Now, I am the last person to ever claim I was being discriminated against, but I truly was. So no more STARBUCKS... a month goes by, and i'm worried, but not freakin out too much and then i get a job at G Stage.
Working at G stage is ridiculous. It's retail first off, so you KNOW its whack. I'm on my feet for hours and hours at a time and i'm not allowed to talk to any of the employees even when there is no one in the store. I think this wealthy Korean family owns the company and they are SO cheap. For example, they bought paper towels for the bathroom and told us that we are only allowed to use one per bathroom visit. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! ugh!! it's stupid minimum wage, which is a problem in itself. You cant survive living on your own on minimum wage. I'm lucky that I live at home and I have small bills to worry about because there is no way I would make it if I was LIVING off minimum wage. So trying to save for a car is damn near impossible seeing as how I make almost zero money.. not only do I not make that much, I don't get very many hours since there are so many girls who work there anyway. my mom always asked me why its so important for me to have money if i dont have to pay anything, but who wants to be broke all the time?
The whole car thing is the biggest thing because even though i live less than 2 miles from my job i have to leave my house 2 hours before so i can take the bus and not be on time. it doesnt seem like thatmuch time, but that combined with getting ready, itss like.. as soon as i wake up, its time to get ready and leve for work even if i dont know until the afternoon. This cuts the time that i would be using to do leftover homework or something of the sort.
I get so irritated listening to all these damn rap songs, that i love by the way, talking about all the money they made and how they have "money to blow" and shit. i wish i could sing a song like that... money is a huge issue and its a constant struggle and stress factor. There are so many other details of this, but i really don't care to talk about them. its just like.. how am i ever suppose to save money if i hardly make ANY?! exactly!
My workload for school is a lot as i mentioned before, but i'm trying to to trip too much over it because there isn't really much i can do about it. I love school, I really do. If I didn't need money, i would just take as many units as a could and put my all into school. That's how it should be, not with this governor though. I don't even know if I will be able to get all the classes I need for n ext spring semester with all the budget cuts. they're cutting EVEN MORE classes and more of teachers hours. Of all places, the money should not have been taken from the education budget. that is beyond stupid and ridiculous.
I guess when i sit back and think about things arent so bad, it just seems like there is no light at the end of the tunnel. i feel like im just stuck in life and im always gonna be here... going to school.. living at home.. struggling.. it sucks, it really does. i'm spending on this time and money ons chool but i cant even give it my all because i HAVE to work.
I am going to look into getting a new job with the DWP or with the county.. I hear jobs like tht pay well and if I can get night classes, I can work everyday all day during the week. I'd like to move out, but that doesnt look like its in the plans the way things are going.
In all of this craziness AND MORE that is my life, i'd absolutely LOVE someone to talk to about all of this. someone who could give me good adviec and maybe evenmake me smile a little bit about how much of a baby i'm being about the whole thing KNOWing its gonna be get better.


Steve.


but where is steve? nowhere to be found. I don't know what steve and i are. the whole relationship is a work in progress and definitely still experimental. he's all the way in new york doing God knows what with God knows who. I trust him, but I still don't know how much he does or doesnt tell me. like right now, when he's not calling me back and shit.. i just think of him out with some other girl.
I really like steve. i like him more than i've liked a lot of people and the majority of my ex's. he makes me laugh at the most inopportune times and always has something witty or clever to say. i really admire his intelligence and his outlook on life. I wish i could be as carefree as he is. maybe thats one of the reasons i like him so much? his personality balances my finicky one out.
he can say the sweetest things that keep me smiling all day long... but then other times.. he can be really hurtful. i still question how he feels about me.. i mean.. i know he likes me..but he can never say it and it isn't official...
i know what you must be thinking.. a long distance relationship? but when you feel that close and connected to someone there is no one else you'd rather be with. plus, its not like he'll be away forever... graduates this spring with his AA.. whats he gonna do after that? i don't know because he doesn't know either.. do you see what i mean about his carefree personality? its kinda like.. wherever the wind takes him.. i feel like i need to plan everything out all the time.. a major flaw if you ask me because... you cant plan everything. something just pop up.. sometimes you don't see them coming.. i wish he'd stay in California for a little so that we could explore this relationship. but he probably wants to be far away from here, and frankly i dont blame him because California is nothing to brag about. its outrageously expensive... i would definitely be down to move. i just need a reason to. to just up and leave all the things i am trying to establish with SPACE at school... and getting a car an stuff...
but then again.. once i get a car... i am so DOWN to just go. JUST go. wherever.. i can go to school anywhere...
but back to steve.. ? i feel like it has the potential to be something amazing... absolutely amazing...
he just gets me. he knows i whine.. that i can be a bitch.. but that i can be the most pleasant person ever! a pure delight... he brings out the best in me and that definitely someone that ANYONE would want to keep around. he's someone i can see myself taking care of ya know? haha i really miss him.
on top of everything i am not really feeling like there is anyone else who can handle me. lol you've read my blog, i'm not exactly the most simple person and i tend to complicate things. he always knows how to make me feel better and ive told him things i would never even think of telling other people. he never judges me and he seems to really care about the things i have to say. he's great, he's fantastic, he's amazing. he's that boyfriend who would just hold you when youve had a long day.... say something funny when you're on the verge of tears... do something small and seemingly insignificant just to make you smile...
i could go on and on and ON about him.. but i dont need to do that, i think ive made my point.


haven't talked to him in a couple days. hasn't called or texted me back all day.. something might be wrong with phone.. didn't pay the bill or something.. hes irresponsible like that. he hurts my feelings sometimes. i know he has feelings for me.. but... i wish he could tell me how he felt about me.. in some flowery, poetic language that i know he is capable of.. but.. i dont know. maybe he never will. i just want reassurance that he wants to be in it for the long-haul. i'm 20.. i'm done with the short-term relationships. i want something i can depend on... something steady and stable.. when everything else in my life is up in the air, i'd be nice to come home and think to myself.. well at least i have steve.
maybe the last few months with this long distance non-sense was all for nothing.. i just don't exactly know how to show him that it wasnt.
but you can't leave someone because they aren't perfect... then no one would ever be together...
but we aren't together.. ugh.
dont remind me.
there is nothing i'd love more than to be with him. id probably have the hugest smile for WEEKS just knowing that he was mine... i wonder if i'll ever have THAT particular happiness.
i don't know how to explain it to you... !! i feel like we're great for each other. i know we are :)

but where is he now? no idea. lol oh steve.

well now that i have lol basically introduced you to steve, i feel a little bit better. i'm currently irritated becuse i havent heard from him. its hard not to see him everyday as it is..so him not calling me makes me sad.

song of the day? never fails.
ice cream paint job- lil wayne... shit knocks real TALK. hahaha i mean.. its the usual stuff he raps about.. but he go hard... :)

i feel a lot better after typing out everything that was in my head at the moment. i'm sure there is a plethora of other things, but that is what i have for now. hopefully i start to think more positively..

yup

don't start no shit, won't be no shit.

i'm wearing eyeliner on the bottom today.

lol like the title? i tried to think of the most random piece of information about myself that i could. i'm not normally an eyeliner on bottom kind of girl.. makes taking off my make-up more dificult..and its just a lot.. lol ANYWAY!


good morning!! for whatever reason i keep staring at my phone thinking that its blinking green with a message, but it is not. i guess its just becuse i'm waiting for steve to call me back :) oh steve...

definitely, yesterday during the day and then right before i went to bed my mom said that we would be leavnig at 6:30am sharp (we carpool) so i was like ok cool, and i set my alarm for 5:30. Keep in mind she repeated 6:30 at least 3 different times, so it was solidified in my brain. then this morning at 5:20 she barges in my room.. "are you coming with me?! we are leaving at 6" WHATTT!? 6:00 a.m.?!?! 40 minutes from then to get up, get dressed, and get ready for school. damn it!! lol i was crazy rushing and I didn't even put my make-up on till i got to school. Keep in mind, on average i take AT LEAST an hour and a half to get ready, so i was already cutting myself short by only setting my alarm for an hour before. what an intense morning. i was half asleep for most of the car ride and went right to the coffee shop, the fredian sip, like i always do. yes, i have a caffeine addicition.

i don't care what anyone else says, everyone is addicted to something or someone. some people have more addicitons than others. some addiction are bad, but not all. when people hear the word addicition they automatically think drugs.. you can be addicted to music, food, caffeine, a rap artist (drake).. lol whatever!! but maybe addiction is a bad word because that would be implying that you couldn't stop if you really wanted to..cuz... i could stop drinking coffee, but i don't see a reason why i need to and its keeping me sane during this crazy time, so why not?

SONG OF THE DAY: Damaged by Danity Kane. yes, yes I know its old, but still love it! its such a chick song..hahaha like.. i picture 5 girlfriends in the car belting it out on the way to do something random. lol idk maybe thats just me and my friends? haha do-do you got a first aid kit handy? lol love it!!
------one of the years i tried out for CSUN cheer, i think the second time... this was thesong that our dance was to. lol and kelsey, bless her heart, cannot dance for shit. so, watching her do this was just comedy. pure comedy.

so YA i know thats like THE song of the day, but on that same playlist was since you've been gone by day 26. AHH! i love my r&b! there is nothing like it.. there is no other music that gives me chills like that... especially those high notes... ooooo, dont even play... lol "i know the last time you said this was the last time, but baby all i need is one more last time" damn. DAMN!

i just looked around the coffee shop and there 4 people with macbook's just chillin on their computer. technology HAS taken over the world..don't let anyoe tell you otherwise. I know i wouldnt be ableto function without my phone and computer.. those are my first 2 loves... sooo... whoever i marry is going to need to recognize that. haha me and heather were talking about this a couple of months ago... it would definitely be polygamy.

seriously, i need to post more.. there is always so much i want to say and write down, but i dont do it and then i forget AND THENwhen i finally DO come and post, its something completely new. so that will be my goal over the next week...
-------if im even able to get away from homework!! ahhh!! less than 3 weeks left of school so tis definitely crunch time.. i have so many projects and papers its ridiculous.. its just.. ugh. not looking forward to it in the least bit. but that is all for now, going to meet audrey, aka drey drey :)

Today is my dad's birthday!!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY DAD!! what an old geezer, he's turning 43! lol thats really not old.. i just like to say that.

So this morning, i logged on to this account so that I could post a new blog and I had a notification showing that I had still not verified my email. Rewind back to about a month ago, we got new student emails at CSUN, the college I attend. It's in northridge california in the heart of the San Fernando valley... anyway, we got new emails right? and we were suppose to change our password and transfer them over to the new gmail sytem. for the past month, I thought I had done that. I WAS wondering why I wasn't receiving as many emails as I had before, but I was too worried about it. SO!! back to this morning. I go to "verify" this email address and it walks me through the whole set up process for the new student email. I thought that changing my password about a month ago was all I had to do, come to find out I didnt even transfer over!! There were 73 UNREAD emails!! What the hell! No wonder!! UGH!! I was kinda mad, but at the same time.. none of them were anything life or death. It difinitely describes why my teacher was never emailing me back: she was, i just wasn't getting them. I feel like such an idiot lol



I didn't write yesterday, because I had to work from 4-10 and slept in before I needed to go, obviously. The average person sleeps three years of their life, i'm suure I have to sleep at least 4. hahahahaha! I like my sleep alright??

I have work today too, at 11 until 4. It shouldn't be too bad, I just hate how its smack dab in the middle of the day. I can't so anything before. I can do something afterwards, but it's like.. starting to get dark and stuff... man! i NEED to get my nails done! They're getting so long its getting more and more diffiult to type.

There's this take-home final for bio that our crazy teacher gave us last week. I mean crazy in the nicest way possible. hahaha i can honestly say she is one of the most informative and knowledgeable professors ive ever had. she NEVER brings any notes and just pulls thesse complex concepts out of her pocket I guess. She's just a little weird... he mannerisms... and how she screams at you even though we're INSIDE a builing LOL I can't even hate though cuz I talk loud as hell too. hahaha anyway, I'm gonna try my best to finish that, it's a lot of work though! I'm gonna try my best though... I thnk I can I think I can. lol

song of the day? gangsta love- the dream & snoop dogg :)

MY freaking registration date for next semester isnt till december 8th!! UGH! Thats so late considering that so many people are registering now... Audrey suggested that I email all the professors and even go see them in their office hours to gurantee my spot. she definitely has experience and it sounds like a good idea so i'm gonna do that. she's like my mentor/friend/big sister. I lucked out when I met her :D

that's audrey ^^^ lol and me at kishar's birthday party a few weeks ago.
GIrl, you nasty!! lol too many fun times.


but i've got to start getting ready for work. it takes me an hour and a half... ugh!! hate being a girl sometimes.

hello all :)

welcome to my official blog. i am not really making this blog for anyone but myself. its more of a journal than wanting/needing people to respond thi smy posts. i first got the idea to make it when i was REQUIRED to make one for my hist/js 496 class this semester.

I decided to make this blog because life on a day to day basis, FOR ANYONE, is such a trip. Through their trials and tribulations people sometimes forget to embrace life for what it is: ONE BIG EXPERIENCE. things are never perfect and there is no predicting the future. With that said, living life to the fullest doesn't mean that you should try and do everything imagineable... something should be left to the imagination... some people don't understand that.

ANYWAY----

i usually have a song of the day. lol. let me explain.
its usually a song that i am on TOUGH like all day long... it changes daily, obviously... and it's usually something by Drake. I also just figured out how to post videos and things like that, so there will definitely see some of those.
I've been trying to read more for leisure, so i'll try and put books i'm reading on here too. i NEED to get the 48 laws of power. I read the chapter titles and little descriptions and heard about it and it sounds like something i'd definitely like to read. Power has never been up there on my list of priorities, but i'm finding that with power comes money... and money CAN bring happiness. a lot of the time it does... anyone who tells you it CAN'T, doesn't know how to spend money.

i don't usually capitalize, but i do try and use correct punctuation. i capitalize to emphasize :)

song of the day is Stunt Hard- Drake && some other people hahaha Lil' Wayne is in there too.


hahahaha omg the Behind The Music: Lil' Wayne, i heard, was hilarious!! I haven't had the chnce to catch it on TV yet, but i'm sure I will. Anyway, ive heard the same story about "his cup" like 4 times.. hahaha "i don't care if there's heroine in my cup, it's MY cup.. fuck you" hahaha!!!!!



hahahahaha he's a trip.
anyway, i get to go and be bored in another class... yay??

more later :D